Miles to the doorway

“You’re doing the right thing Spinelli” Maxie heard Mac’s voice as she stepped off the elevator and saw him standing the doorway to the penthouse. Both Spinelli and Mac heard the elevator door shut and turned to see Maxie standing there confused.

“What’s going on?” Maxie tried to hide the uncertainty in her voice but both Mac and Spinelli heard it. Maxie couldn’t see Spinelli but she knew he was in there, she feared she knew what was going on. She had hoped that Mac would calm down and hoped that she had convinced him that she needed Spinelli, but obviously it was going to take a little more time this time.

“You’re coming home Maxie” Mac said without hesitation, with no doubt and no question.

“I am home” Maxie replied sternly, standing her ground.

“No you’re not, this is not you’re home. This is a danger house, with criminal men and mobsters. You don’t belong here.” She stood there in shock, she was a grown woman capable to make her own choices, and she was not about to give up Spinelli in her life.

She walked past him in the door, ready to join forces with Spinelli and fight this. Together they could convince Mac that they needed each other, together they could convince Mac that it was okay for them to spend time together. Walking in she opened her mouth ready to outpour thousands of reasons in the “Maxie” way, but felt like she got the wind knocked out of her, when Spinelli stood there next to her bags.

She looked at him and shook her head no. She remembered the conversation in the hospital, how could she forget, but she didn’t expect this. She thought that after their recent conversation where she tried to convince him that he didn’t need a gun to be brave and she couldn’t bear to lose him, that them needing to be apart would be out the window. But she feared that she was dancing around the truth. Somehow she knew this time would be different.

“There will be a policeman here to pick you up, and he will help you with your things” she was furious, it was as if the plans for her life were made while she idly sat in the shadows.

“No, I am not leaving”

“Maxie” Mac’s voice was stern and she didn’t want to fight with him, but she just couldn’t allow this to happen.

“It’s for the best” those words out of that voice she didn’t recognize, she looked over at him as his head hung in guilt. She couldn’t believe this. She had to think quickly, she was normally quick on her feet but this one threw her off. She needed time, time to convince one of them that she was right and she was safe.

“Tomorrow” she paused as Spinelli looked at her confused “have them pick me up tomorrow.”

Mac wasn’t happy about her staying one more minute at the penthouse, but he gave in “okay Maxie, tomorrow morning. I’ll have them get the rest of your bags tonight so you don’t have to worry about that” the thing was he knew his daughter, she was going to try and fix this situation, but he wasn’t going to have it, not this.

He walked over to her and kissed her on her forehead and whispered “I’m doing this because I love you Maxie” he knew she was angry and he wasn’t stupid. He saw them together and he knew this was going to break their hearts. The truth was he liked Spinelli, but he despised what he did and that overrode everything else.

She waited for Mac to leave and turned to Spinelli as he just stood there. “Maximista, you need your rest” he spoke and tried to smile. She almost wanted to laugh there was no way he could be serious. “You go upstairs and get some sleep and I’ll make sure the rest of your bags are taken care” she stood in shock, what was going on, she was getting angry.

This wasn’t Spinelli, he was talking crazy, and she had heard some crazy things come out of his mouth. Crazy things she understood, but this, not this. How could he agree to this, this was madness and she wasn’t going to let this happen? She watched him walk quickly to the couch and open up his laptop.

“Spinelli I am not going to let this happen, I am not going to let Mac take away my best friend because of a little danger.”

He sat there trying to continue to stare at his computer screen and was so glad she had decided to stay standing by the stairway. And he tried to not let the word “friend” show the jolt it had caused in his body. He wanted to ignore her, he wanted to just make this go away, he wanted the danger to be gone, and damn it, he just wanted her.

“Maximista, the danger is real and large,” he continued to type frantically as he spoke to her “the Jackal must put the safety of fair Maximista before his own desires.”

“Spinelli look at me” she was trying not to shout “take yourself away from your damn computer and look at me” she watched him stop abruptly and turn to her, she was trying to make him understand, her voice softened and walked over to sit next to him on the couch “Spinelli, I’m scared” she paused and watched him look intently at her and on every word that she said with such intensity “I’m scared of what will happen if I can’t see you”

“Fair Maximista” he interrupted her fears, and still always knew the right thing to say “you will be beautiful and flourish and will walk the streets in safety”

“Spinelli I promise, I’ll be safe. I….I won’t go anywhere alone and I’ll carry mace and maybe even a needle with sedative” she was practically begging him and they both couldn’t help but smile and remembering how Maxie quickly injected Dr. Delvin “Spinelli please don’t leave me”

“The Jackal is not leaving you” he paused and looked down because he feared that she saw this as him abandoning her, and he didn’t want that, because he would never leave her “remember you’ll always own the jackal’s heart, but I have to Maximista, I just have to,”

She still couldn’t believe what she was hearing and she didn’t know what to say, which was quite rare for Maxie Jones.

He had watched her face go from determination to fear to defeat and he watched her eyes fill with moisture and he couldn’t bear to see her cry, not now, not ever, not because of him. So he quickly grabbed her into his arms and held her like his life depended on it. He felt her body shake and he felt her lose control and he heard words that he knew he wasn’t supposed to, he heard her thoughts come from her quivering lips “why does everybody I love have to leave me?”

He felt the wind knocked out of him, he didn’t expect that, and he didn’t even know what to think. What to do, what to say, so he sat there and held her. He held her as his screen finished downloading the important information for stone cold, he sat there until she was done sitting.

He had never wanted her to pull out of his embrace, but unfortunately she did and the warmth that he loved and yearned stood up from the couch and walked towards the stairs without looking back. He wanted to yell to her to stop, to come back, to sit next to him forever, but he knew he couldn’t. His heart was yelling for closeness and his head was screaming for space. Hearing the door shut upstairs quieted both his heart and his mind and he realized that his mind had won.

She reached his bedroom and looked around at the empty floors. The floors where her bags and shoes occupied, the floors that he had cleaned so she had room, the floor that always managed to warm her cool feet when she refused to put socks on. The floors that after tonight would be nothing but a sample, a sample of a life she longed for.

She got into his warm bed and took in the scents that surrounded her. She didn’t want to fall asleep; she wanted to mesmerize everything about this room, even though she was still determined to fix this. She feared she couldn’t. So she just lay there, laid there until he came to bed, and she knew he would. Once she heard the sound of his feet coming up the stairway she closed her eyes tightly, not wanting to let him see her eyes filled with hurt and anger. She saw him sit down on the edge of the bed, his shoulders seemed to hunch in defeat as she watched them rise slowly as the sound of a sigh came muffled from his lips.

Spinelli sat there and wanted to turn to the woman who had made him believe in himself and tell her again how he loved her, but he couldn’t, so he spoke softly in a whisper he feared no one would ever hear “I’m not leaving you Fair Maximista pausing he looked around his room, the walls covered in a hue of pink and he was reminded of their first conversation in the “pink room” and how she had honored and enlightened him on how being her friend had saved her. And he knew she was completely honest, but he also knew that the way he felt about her had managed to throw her into the grasp of danger, and that he couldn’t have. “I’ve just got to protect you and this is the only way the Jackal knows how.”

Never before had he felt such beauty and truth and a connection that didn’t involve cords, wire, and a keyboard than with the woman lying beside him. And now he had to give it up, because of choices, but he was determined to fix it, determined to be with her again in every way she deserved.

Maxie listened closely to his words. His words were warm and gentle and everything good that Spinelli had brought into her world. She wasn’t sure what happening or what he meant, and she couldn’t understand that he couldn’t see that the world outside of these penthouse walls was a lot more dangerous for Maxie Jones than it was from the inside. Spinelli saved her long ago and now she didn’t know what to do.

She opened her eyes when she heard the soft click of the lamp turn off and felt the rustling from beside her turn to a subtle rhythm and waited a while until she could hear the soft breaths of a sleeping Spinelli come from across her. She scooted across the bed slightly and lightly touched his shoulder. She decided that she’d be mad at him tomorrow, mad at him for not fighting for their friendship, mad at him for not knowing that she needed him, mad at him for not fighting for her. She’d be all this tomorrow; tonight she just wanted to be with him. The Spinelli that she knew in her heart was trying to protect her, the Spinelli that had been as good to her as anyone who ever mattered, the Spinelli that she respected and admired for everything that he was and stood for. But tonight she would just be with him and she hoped that tomorrow night she would be lying next to the same warm body, but her fears led her otherwise.

Walking down the stairs of the penthouse the purse she always carried had never felt so heavy. Stopping on the last step she noticed Spinelli sitting at the couch starring onto his laptop. Hearing her come down he turned to her and saw her standing there. Everyday he saw her come down those stairs he thought she looked more beautiful each time, but this time was different. This time it felt as if the last step was rock bottom and now they couldn’t turn back. The last step was their friendship, their relationship, and she had just walked off of it and onto new ground. And he was the one to blame.

Interrupting him from his thoughts, her voice was frantic “Spinelli we have to talk.”

He knew what she wanted to talk about and instead he wanted to hear some fashion term speak out, but he knew it wouldn’t. This wasn’t a time for conversation of stilettos or clutch bags, and the fact that he even knew those words was more evidence of the impression and impact she had made onto his life. Honestly, fashion was of no interest to him, but fashion represented a form of beauty to his fair Maximista and he longed for her and everything that filled her life with beauty and happiness, just as she had filled his life.

“There’s nothing to talk about” he almost didn’t recognize his own voice as he spoke and turned away from her, he didn’t want to look at her, it just hurt too much.

She watched him turn away from her and his words echoed in her mind. That wasn’t Spinelli. Spinelli was full of hope and it seemed that the line he spoke leaked happiness with every word. Port Charles was going through a mob war and he sat there like the blame was all on him. She wondered what Mac had said to him in that hospital hallway and she wondered what was going through his mind.

“This is how it should be” pausing he wasn’t expecting to continue talking but the silence and her stares, he couldn’t take. “You don’t deserve the loom of danger this penthouse invokes.”

“Should be” her voice was now evident in the control that she was losing “should be, are you kidding me” walking over she rested her side on the chair next to the couch were Spinelli was sitting “there are a lot of things that should be different, and this is not one of them” waiting for him to continue, waiting for him to give her another lame excuse as to why they had to be apart, his lack of reasoning and words made her even more angry and out of control “Spinelli my Mom should not have ran away from our family, people I love should not have been shot or strangled, your parents should give a damn about you” the moment she said that he stood up and stopped her from continuing.

“This is how it has to be” his voice was determined and he didn’t look at her when he spoke.

“No it doesn’t” Maxie’s voice calmed down and she grabbed his hand that was hanging at his sides, his warmth didn’t embrace her gesture as he always had and she could see him fighting, fighting her, fighting them. “We can make this work.”

“The danger, it’s too much”

His words were simple, which was rare and slightly heartbreaking “Spinelli, the danger without you in my life, that is what is too much” she looked down, afraid of what was happening, afraid that he wasn’t going to give in, afraid that she couldn’t make him understand “I need you Spinelli.”

“And I need you alive” his words made her eyes gaze up to meet his. He was starring at her and wouldn’t look away, she couldn’t fight this anymore and she couldn’t fight the pain in his face, the fear in his voice, the loss of hope this was causing him. It was ripping Spinelli out and she couldn’t do that, not to him. Her eyes filled with tears and she felt his warms hands grab her cheeks and wipe her tears. “I can’t have you in my world if it takes you out of this one.”

She had lost; it was then she realized she lost. Spinelli was not going to let her fight him on this, he honestly felt he was saving her, and Spinelli always put others before himself. He was courageous and brave every moment she knew him, and she knew that he was fighting for her.

She felt his hands drop from her face and she turned and walked to the door. The distance to the front door had never seemed so short; she had wanted it to be miles. Miles so she could still be with him, miles so they could still be in the same room, miles so they didn’t have to be apart.

Stopping, before walking out of the penthouse door she gazed back to look at Spinelli. Look at the man who had breathed life into her soul and the man that had changed her in ways she never thought possible. “Spinelli” Maxie paused as if she wanted to continue, to continue to convince Spinelli that she needed him to not ask her to leave. However, she couldn’t find the words, she had never felt more cared for, abandoned and cherished all at the same time than at that moment, yet she didn’t want out of his life, so she stood there pleading to him with her eyes trying to convince him that she needed him in her life just the way he was.

Staring at her, the defeat was evident in her eyes and her body language and he hated that he had caused that. Caused the determined Maximista to stand in defeat and he looked at her for that moment he was ready to beg her to stay that nothing was worth being apart from each other and then he was harshly reminded as the bruise on her forehead came into his sight. It was her, she was more important than them being together. His voice rose in anger, not at her, but at the bastards who did this to her. Anger at the choices that he had made “damn it Maxie, just go”

She wanted to yell at him, scream and slam the door in his face for doing this. Call him a coward for not fighting for their relationship, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She knew he wasn’t a coward and that he was fighting, but she just wasn’t one to bow out gracefully, but the man who stood before her, the man who offered her meaning in a bottle of orange soda was crushing her. She wanted to hate him, because that would be so much easier than what she was feeling. But hate was a waste, he had taught her that and she didn’t know what was harder the fact that she couldn’t hate him or the fact that she couldn’t love him.

Gripping the strap to her bag she walked over to him and gently placed a kiss on his cheek. She felt his body shaking and she just wanted to collapse into his arms. But she couldn’t, she had to stand tall and walk out. And with that she was gone.